I am an Untouchable

When you have come to the aspect of the world that you have become an untouchable.

Remember that you are still loved even then.

On this journey of mine as a ChristoPagan, and as a human being I have lost so many relations.

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I am a heretic

The conflicts I feel between Ahimsa and Self-Defense, to not caring at all, to even destructive gathering of khat'sa has shown through and kept people away from me.

I have dwelt with Demons and Gods, Holy ones, and the rotted left behind of the Earth. Its toll has too shown through and left me alone.

Giving credit to other religions has left me alone.

Giving credit to LGBTQ has also furthered people away from me. Coming out as Bi made people go hush hush.

The over protectiveness I feel at times of people allowing to be the religious or spiritual persons they are, to protect the ones who are marginalized, to protect and give voice to the ones whose voice is desperately needed to be heard... has left me alone.

I am an extremist

In all of this I still scream about inactivism, and the barbary of abuse against non-consenting persons. Since when was this so bad to want people to be able to consent to physical alterations? To consent to sex. To be protected from non-consensual activities that would not only harm them, but give life lasting trauma that can and most often is passed down to further generations.

I am a hypocrite

As much as I want to protect the land and protect animals, I know that humans need food, and sometimes Veganism isn't possible, and sometimes the best of intentions becomes a monster they tried to destroy. That instead of bringing to the table the kindness they want seen distributed to animals, they would rather see humans die.

What is right about that?

Is it okay to want people to die? Is it okay to want people to suffer?

The defensive and jaded part of me says yes it is okay. It is okay. But the Ahimsa in me says never is it okay. Two lions fighting it out within my soul because both are there to protect me. Both are wanting me safe. Both want me happy.

But can you be happy when you are alone? Marginalized? Hushed?

Can you be happy when punches to your face and your non-retaliation means that even to death you will not fight back?

Can you be happy with having physical problems for the rest of your life because you didn't fight back?

Can you be happy with knowing someone died at your hands?

Can you be happy knowing an animal whose intelligence is that of a human child died for you to live?

Can you be happy stuffing your true nature deep down inside so that people will love you again? Is that real love?

Who are you heretic? Dweller of the trenches. Are you good enough? Is all of your life experiences good enough to even speak? What are you heretic? What are you hypocrite?

People talk about dualism about the feminine never being vicious and the masculine always being war like.

I don't believe in duality anymore.

There is no Sun=Good, Moon=Bad. Light=Benevolent Dark=Malevolent.

Chaos Reigns

We think there is one or the other, because it is easy for our brain to digest.

Life isn't that easy though.

People tend to forget that life is messy. People are messy. I am messy. When we think we have everything figured out,

it is only then we are truly starting from the beginning.

I don't expect the chaos that is within myself to ever go away. I dont expect people to understand. I expect people to think that I am stupid. That I am uneducated. That I am unworthy. I don't expect to be liked anymore.

I am a Ditch Digger. A Trench Dweller. An Untouchable. The rain kisses my skin and I smile.

The water floods my world and I swim.

The wind brushes my hair, and the Sun gives me new eyes to see.

But I am a heretic. No more have I ended, have I just begun.